23:20 Awake, Alone

Dear Blog,

Hi, I'm a dumb boy. When I get what I want I turn it away. And then I spend all my time depressed because I don't have what I want. Pretty much every girl I've ever dated has been awesome and or amazing and yet for some reason I keep finding reasons to leave. I stop talking, I start hiding (emotionally) and eventually the relationship just falls apart. I mean my most recent is a good example. This girl was damn near everything I ever wanted in a woman. She was mellow, level headed (about most things), beautiful, good in bed, smart, sharp, fun, FUNNY, and she liked all the shit I liked and didn't criticize me about the things outside of that overlap. She dressed well and smelled good. Seriously, what more could you want? Well apparently I wanted more, or different, something. Something was up. And me being the genius I am chose my birthday as the day of all days to break up with her. I mean rather than having an enjoyable day getting drunk and making out with a beautiful woman I spent the first part of the day at work, the middle of it breaking up with her, and then the last part moping on the couch watching Scrubs. Now I'm doing everything I can to restrain myself from writing her an email telling her I realize what went wrong (which I do... well I have ideas) and seeing if we can give it another shot. Because I just don't wanna be that guy again. I don't want to do the back and forth thing, I just want to move forward. I want to have some fucking pride and dignity for once. Yes the loneliness is painful, yes it's scary to think I'll never meet anyone ever again, yes I miss having a warm body laying beside me, yes I miss having someone to talk to who gives a shit about how my day went, yes I miss having someone to go on dates with. But... I dunno. A part of me is saying "Go back! It's never to late to go back!" While another part says "You're only thinking this because you're lonely and haven't had sex in over a month, find something to do and the pain will go away... eventually..." I know that doing the back and forth, on again off again thing has never worked for me in the past. It just leads to more pain and heartache.

I want to learn to be happy by myself. I it to not matter if someone out there is thinking fondly of me, and then when it so happens that there is that person I'll be excited about it, not relieved.

Anyways, Blog, I hope your love life is faring a bit better. OH! Before I forget! I went on a long hike today. I was told the hike was roughly 16 miles. We circumambulated Mt. Tamalpais (aka Mt. Tam) near Muir Woods. It was sooooooo amazingly beautiful. I got some pictures. I'll put them up on Flickr and post a link, but probably tomorrow as I'm tired. Yeah, woke up at about 6:35am, got to Mt. Tam about 8:05, started hiking at 8:30, finished hiking around 18:00 then I had to ride my bike home which was another 10 miles. All in all quite the active day. I should sleep well tonight. I'm thinking I'm going to call in to work tomorrow. I thought I was gonna be in Marin another night and so I told my AL that I'd be out, but I really think I'll just be useless anyways as I'll be so tired.

Ok for reals this time, I'm out!

ATNN