What is going on here?

Well I for one don't know that's for damn sure.

These last two days I've felt kinda depressed. Now I can handle a little depression every now and again. That's fine. But this feels different. It feels more like hopelessness. Like Normally when I feel depressed it's because I'm not happy with whatever I'm doing currently. Maybe I'm not exercising enough, maybe I'm just unhappy at work, it could be anything. When I get like that though I can usually think about something that would make me happy like "well just think I could be rafting down a beautiful river." That thought won't necessarily end the depression but it will give me hope and let me know that the depression isn't going to last forever.

Recently however, I've been feeling like there isn't anything I'd rather be doing. Hiking though Scotland, studying Kung Fu in China... It all seems pointless. Like it's all temporary, depression, hunger, life, hiking, love, food, sex, puppies. It all goes away doesn't it? So in the end what's the point? I mean if in the ultimate end we're all sent back to oblivion or whatever you want to call it, oneness, nirvana, all that. Then what's it matter? Why get up tomorrow if ultimately nothing changes. I dunno... Maybe... Well, I mean think about it. What if in 1,000 years the whole world is covered in another ice age, or a meteor hits and everyone dies and the in another 10,000,000,000 years life on Earth starts up again. No one is going to remember anything any of us did. Or better yet lets jump ahead in time to when the sun engulfs this planet. Then what? Ok so life waits around for another Earth-like planet to come around and then however many eons it takes for life to start up again. I mean at that point who cares if the Cubs lost the world series however many times in a row? Nobody, because now it'll be the Phazzydoodle Smax on the planet Fluxxkg' or something.

So yeah. I knew it writing made me feel a bit better. The other thing that's been bugging me, and I've written about this before, is this whole me lacking a real sense of 'me' business. Like random shit is always just popping into my head, I say things occasionally. Sometimes, and not as often as I'd like, but sometimes I do say things that really come "from the heart" so to speak. I like those things. Anyways, yeah so these things. These thoughts. Mind dumbs. I mean honestly how much control is there? What if we're all just these random organisms that don't have souls or anything apart from our biological makeup. Even if we have souls where did those come from? Surely we can't say that we made them. So then God choose how we'd be? So where is my free will in all of this? Am I just a hapless bystander, cursed to just watch as some experiment of life is carried out? *sigh*

That's another thing. Speaking of God and souls. Ok let me say this now. If God created everything and knows everything then he knows how everything would, has, and is going to turn out. Yes? So then why, oh why, would God create souls and in turn people specifically for the purpose of going to hell? Hmmm? Doesn't make much sense. Also, as a creator why would God ever want to see any of the creations that so much time and love and care was put into sent to a place specifically for the purpose of being tortured for all eternity? Some Christians say that hell and the torture found therein is simply being separated from God's love. But wouldn't God also suffer? Imagine one of your children being sent away forever to suffer. Would we not experience pain and sadness knowing that they would never rejoin the family table? It's ridiculous. If you believe in a loving God then hell makes absolutely no sense. If you believe that Jesus came to Earth to save us from sin, if you honestly believe that he gave his life for us then I don't understand how you can also believe in punishment and hell.

BLARGH!! Anyways, now I'm all awake. I should be in bed. But instead I'm whiling away more hours in front of this thing. Stupid computers.

ATNN