Hey there journal readers! It's 2020 and we're in a pandemic, we have a narcissistic reality TV star for a president, and the climate is deteriorating faster than we predicted! Woo!
It's been five years since I updated this thing and if I'm being perfectly honest I completely forgot it was here. Sometimes I think I feel like I can't keep everything straight in my head. If we're being really honest, lately I've felt like I can't even really form thoughts.
For awhile now I've toyed with the idea of starting up a Live Journal account again. I still have my old account which, let's be honest, is pretty amazing that these things are still around. I could not tell you how many journals I've written a dozen pages in and then lost. Meanwhile this blog that's 17 years old is still there, untouched, a window into the life of a younger, more hopeful Me.
Ah Hope. The thing I've been struggling with so much lately. The thing that's brought me here. As I said, I've felt a lot lately like I can't keep any thoughts in my head. Writing feels like a struggle. Partly because I don't do it enough but also because I just... well... I feel dumber. It really feels like I've suffered some sort of cognitive decline and honestly it feels like it's just getting worse. No one really seems to understand or believe me when I tell them this, but it leads me to feel quite depressed (in addition to my normal depression).
I want to say it started back in 2014-ish when Zo and I were living on Morningside and nearly had carbon monoxide poisoning. Just as it was getting colder we started getting headaches. I normally don't ever experience headaches but these were bad and seemed to get worse when we were in our bedroom. I'm not sure why but for some reason I was reminded of some story (or was it an episode of House?) I had heard of someone who had headaches and it turned out they were suffering from a CO leak. So someone called the city and they sent an inspector over and sure enough, our wall heater was backed up and was just pouring CO into our room. The guy was genuinely freaked out and said he was a little surprised we were still alive. The wall heater was tagged and shut down and we had to call the landlord who begrudgingly fixed the thing that almost murdered two of his tenants.
Anyways, ever since then I've felt a bit like I've been a bit off. I've never gotten tested for it and it could just be all in my head (heh) but who knows. I certainly won't know any time soon since I don't have health insurance and it's not a big enough issue for me to worry about it.
What is the issue? Being able to put that into a clear thought has been a struggle for me. Okay let's make a list:
- I feel lost.
- Yeah yeah, I know everyone feels lost. And it doesn't matter your age, gender, occupation, class, whatever. Living is weird, there are no rules, no instructions, and all you can do is your best. None of that changes the fact that I feel lost and less like a ship out to sea and more like someone who's been thrown overboard and abandoned. I'm out here treading water and I know the only way to survive is to start swimming but I also know that I'm not a very strong swimmer. I also know that if I would just start swimming I'd eventually get stronger and would be able to swim my way to shore. So I'll swim for a bit but eventually get tired and blame myself for not swimming better and so I'll go back to treading. And this start-stop-start-stop process has just worn me out. And every time I stop the current pulls me back a bit and I have to start over again. It's not a complete restart, maybe I remember a thing or two about my previous attempts. But over the years I've worn out some joints, I lost a shoe, I've lost some weight so I don't float as well, and in general it just feels like it's gotten more difficult. And it certainly doesn't help to see all these people around me who I perceive to be better swimmers than I am. And sure I see some people who are also struggling, but because I'm me I can see the ways they're succeeding even if they can't. And yes, before you say it, I know that I'm probably making more progress than I think and I'm being too hard on myself. Welcome to my blog. I do that.
- I feel alone.
- And yes before you start I know this is also a very common experience. I really hate when people say that. "Everyone feels that way", well great. I still feel that way, so like are you gonna go tell every person that I feel alone so you can equally invalidate them? Or do you just not want to hear what I have to say and you're hoping that will shut me up? Does it do anything to address the underlying issue to know that other people are lonely? Did you think the only reason I felt lonely to begin with was because I was unaware that other people are also lonely? Anyways, I've felt lonely most of my life. I have this reoccurring memory of a ski trip I went on with my mom and step-dad. We were in Telluride, CO and I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. I had wanted to go see a movie (I used to love going to see movies in the theater before my anxiety made it difficult to sit in a dark room with a bunch of strangers), I believe it was A Few Good Men. Anyways my parents never really liked taking me. My mom couldn't really sit comfortably for that long and my step-dad... well he never really did things with me. Anyways, one of my parents friends agreed to take me. I recall him bringing a couple of beers into the theater with him. I can remember the clink of the glass he dropped one bottles, too drunk to hold it in his hand, and it rolled down the sloped floor. After the movie we parted ways and I walked back to the apt we were staying in, alone in the dark. Did I mention I wasn't even a teen yet? And I remember getting back to the domicile and no one was home. Entering the dark building I didn't even bother with the lights. I simply sat down in a cushy chair and sighed deeply and I can clearly still remember thinking "This is going to be my life". And I felt so deeply sad about that. The thought of just coming home to and empty house for the rest of my life. Why the fuck did I have to be prophetic about something like that?
- I've been single now for what feels like 3 years though I suppose I did date someone for about 8 months. That relationship was such a mess though, it's no wonder I feel like I've just been alone the whole time. Maybe I'll write about it in a separate entry. But yeah, I'm 39 and haven't been on a date in about a year and haven't really been in a loving relationship in a little over 2 years. It sucks. I spent so much of my childhood fantasizing about falling in love with someone and running away. I would often dream of living on a boat with this person. Just spending our days out at sea, surrounded by the ocean. We'd talk and laugh and play video games and just be together. The two of us on a grand adventure for the rest of our lives. But I never found that person. I feel like that may have been my first girlfriend, but I was so dysfunctional at that time I basically pushed her away and the relationship imploded. Maybe that's too dramatic. I dunno. One thing I've felt and still feel looking back at most of my relationships, the people I dated rarely wanted to be with me. They just wanted to be with someone. I don't really feel like anyone was ever really excited about who I was and who wanted to get to know me and be a part of my life. I feel like I genuinely have an easy time getting excited about other people. I feel kind of like a puppy that way. But I can definitely feel it starting to wear off.
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