Move Along Now, No One To See Here

Moving on is hard for me. Harder than most it seems. I say this because while I still spend way too much time thinking about my ex's and all the fun we used to have and how I wish I could see them (naked) more often or at least talk more, they all seem to be spending way too much time having fun/talking/fighting/making love with their current lovers/boyfriends/husbands/whatever. And that's good right? I mean that's what people do. They have an experience, then when that experience ends they move on to the next thing. Whatever that is. It would be insane to just sit around in the present thinking about the past and how you wish that somehow that past had extended itself into the future. But that's what I always seem to do. I think about all the things I could have done differently, of how I never really let her know how I felt, or how I never yelled back at her instead of just sitting there passively, or how I was never as careful with her as I should have been, or I never gave her the chance that she (we) deserved, or how I let go of her too easily, I never told her I loved her... or... or... or... but... but... but... But nothing, right? It's over. There is no going back. No amount of "I'm sorry"s or my lame attempts to maintain friendships with all of these people is going to fix anything. Or make anything better. I mean I do enjoy talking to most of them still, but I often get the feeling that talking to me is not really something they think about all too often. And really, what do I expect. They're all busy living their lives, which is exactly what I should be doing. I should be going out and meeting new and exciting people. But I keep thinking that anyone I meet won't be as cool as her, or she, or that one, or the girl before last, or whomever. But why then when I was with them all was I so convinced that I'd always meet someone better if I could just be single again? Dammit, I really am like fucking JD. How annoying is that? And in the worst way. I'm not a awkwardly cute highly paid tv actor/screen writer; I'm just a guy who is never happy with what he has and always want's what he can't get.

But I'm making progress. I'm finally starting to realize that I really don't miss anyone. I actually am happy where and when I am. Most of me saying that I miss all of those people is really just my mind telling me that's what I should feel. Because it creates drama. It causes that depressed feeling to creep up again and there's a part of me that loves that feeling. I crave it at times. Being satisfied all the damn time is BORING. But not really. That's just my ego/mind talking again. I really am happy. I really am satisfied. I really do love myself. Even if I go the rest of my life and never have anyone to share it with, there's enough beauty and love in this world to keep me content. But I do love sharing...

ATNN