Fuck Lost

I lost a friend a few years ago. I say "friend" yet I don't really know what our friendship was. He was my teacher. I respected him. He was skilled and expected a lot from me. Yet despite all the time we spent together I don't really know how he felt about me. But I know how I felt about him. He was taltented, he was skilled, he was beautiful, he was awesome, and now he's gone. He's been gone. I fucking hate this. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to talk to him. I hate the fact that I was finally ready to progress in the Wing Chun system and then the only person who knew or was familiar with me passed away. Fuck cancer. Fuck lukemia. Fuck pre-mature death. Robert Saenz was young and beautiful. He was not supposed to die at 29. He should have lived a long and fruitful life like the rest of us. He was a beautiful person and he was my friend. He would have been my friend had I accepted the fact that I was worthy of being his friend. I will never stop regretting the fact that we weren't closer friends. I don't know that it will ever stop hurting that he is gone and I remain. I wish I could share this with people. I wish it was appropriate conversation to say "Hi, my name is Will have you ever lost someone close to you?" Or better yet "Have you ever lost many people close to you?" I.E. your father, step-father, teacher, and other friends? If so maybe we could become comrades in suffering. Or not. Whatever. Either way if you didn't know Robert you don't know what you're missing out on. He was fucking amazing. And i can only hope that when I die I get to relive all of my life in an instant just so I can relive moments spent with him. Why? Because he was awesome. Whatever personality quirks you want to point out, whatever. Sure he wasn't perfect but who is? Sure he was a dick, but whatever. He was awesome. He was a great perons and would have been an even better friend had I let him. But I was too busy doubting myself. Fuck. I miss Rob. I miss the time we got drunk and he tried to teach me to defend myself. I miss getting drunk with him and hearing him rant about random shit. He was definitely a one of a kind personality and there will never be another Robert Saenz. I miss you Bobby, and I can only hope and pray that someday I learn to let go of the void that you represent in my life. Or at least meet someone somewhat as cool and crazy as you were. I love(ed) you man. And I hope that you are at peace and enjoying your afterlife.

Sincerely,

-Will