18:11 Readings

I'm reading my ex's blog. It's good reading, also I'm an asshole. Well... maybe I am. Maybe things just happen in their own time.

She started the blog when she was going through a lot of stuff resulting from our breakup. We were trying to be friends for a time and I think it was hard for her. So she started this blog and sent me a link. I never clicked on it (hence why I called myself an asshole). But to be honest I'm not sure I could have read it then with an open heart. I was pretty closed off and confused back then and angry and I think had I read it I would have just been angry that she still had so many feelings and was expressing them because I was busy repressing and deconstructing my own.

Now I can read it and on the one hand it's heartbreaking to see just how badly I hurt someone so dear to me. It's also painful and does fair damage to my ego as I read more and more recent posts and my name is mentioned less and less. But really I'm glad she's moved on. It's good to be able to go back and see where her mind and heart were at, it's sort of like some indirect mirror that helps me see my actions from those days in a different light.

Oh Introspection, where would I be without you? How shall I spend my nights? How would I ever grow? As painful as you are sometimes, you make for a good sparring partner.

ATNN