1:32am Scared

I think it's only fitting that after all the whining I've done on this blog about the fairer sex, that I write something when I finally meet a woman who not only tickles my fancy but who also seems to be somewhat interested in me.

Now I know people have different opinions regarding online dating, and myself I'm not a huge fan. But I have been a member of OKCupid.com for about a year now. For the most part it's been a great way to meet people with similar interests and hang out. It's also been a great time-sink. But recently it led me to meet a girl who I really like, and that's fantastic if ever anything was.

Just a brief recap: She first messaged me back in January over a shared interest in Munchkin. We had a few emails back and forth. But nothing much was said. At one point she suggested we exchange Skype info. I would occasionally send her messages whenever I'd see her online. I even sent her an email or two that went unanswered. So really for awhile she was someone to chat with, but it never really seemed like it'd ever be much more than that.

Then something happened. We had like a real conversation. I don't actually remember the exact details, but like suddenly she was someone I actually was interested in trying to meet. Well it turned out we were given a perfect opportunity. We were both going to be in Tokyo, magically, on the same day so we decided to try and make time to meet. We hooked up in Harajuku and walked around and just talked, and talked, and talked. It was great. But still I didn't really know how I felt about her. So after that we started talking more and made plans to meet again.

Now I should mention that she lives a good 3-4 hours away from me depending on what trains you take. But she was happy to come and meet me in Yokohama for the day. We decided to go to a zoo there and again ended up doing a lot of walking around. We had a lot of fun. And it was funny like my interest in her "leveled up" and suddenly I found myself being more intrigued by her.

Like when I first met her it was like "Oh cool, she's cute and interesting. Maybe we can be friends". Then it was like "Oh wow, she's like really fun to hang out with, hmmm.... what's that mean?"

Then we met again in Tokyo for a day on my birthday. This was sort of the clincher for me. Like I had just been working doing a video shoot and struggling with a really bad sinus infection. Now we had made plans to meet up in Tokyo and go to this art show, but somehow I had forgotten that and at the last minute I wanted her to change our plans and to just sorta wander around Tokyo and do whatever I wanted for my birthday. Well I was tired and we were texting (not always the best way to make plans) and by the end of the conversation I got kind of bitchy. Well when it finally came time for us to meet up she just showed up and was just like "Ok, so where are we going?" I was so impressed, like she didn't try to make me feel bad, she didn't yell at me, she was just cool. I apologized and she was like "Oh, whatever, let's do something." It was awesome. And then I was like "Ok, this girl rules." And she does.

So yeah we talk all the time now. We hang out when we can. And really it's all great.

BUT! (there's always a but) It's interesting. Like I've been single for about a year. And in that time I'd like to think that I've done a lot of self discovery and exploration. I feel that, especially in the last couple of months, I've become a very centered and focused person. My self-confidence has grown and I've been feeling really good about myself. But now, now that's all gone to hell. Like I'm so freaked out about liking someone again. It's both exhilarating and terrifying; wonderful and scary beyond belief all at once. I don't know whether to run for the hills or to just hang on tight.

I mean really nothing has happened yet, so really my #1 goal at this point is to just be cool. I'm doing everything I can to just be myself and to not think too far ahead. But it's hard. Like all these self-destructive things keep popping up. I keep trying to fool myself into thinking she's not into me, or that I'm not all that cool. It's hard. It feels like I'm navigating a mine-field in my heart.

But y'know what? I think, more than ever before, I'm ready. I think for the first time with a girl I'm at least somewhat aware of all my own bullshit, to the point where I can actually have a chance at being a healthy partner for someone else. So yeah, this is great. I mean it's fucking scary, but at the same time I can't imaging asking for anything else. This girl... She's beautiful, she's funny, she's smart, she smells nice, and she's sweet when it counts.

So yeah, I guess I should consider myself damn lucky, right? Well I do.

ATNN