19:46 So Little to Say, So Much Time... Wait...

Where do I begin? I feel like so much has changed since last we spoke. It's a new year, new beginnings and all of that. I finally broke contact with Taryn and Dana. No more trying to be friends or any of that. It was just too painful and felt too fake. I thought I was being mature by holding onto those friendships but really I was just avoiding letting go. I feel a lot better now, more clean. It feels like there's more space inside for things to grow so I'm trying to plant good things. Planting positive emotions that will nurture me and help me to become a better person. It seems to be working.

But old habits are hard to break. Even though I feel like I've done more growth in the last 3 months than in the last 10 years I still feel stuck in many ways. Maybe I was just born to be a hopeless romantic. Maybe that's just my lot in life and maybe that's not such a bad thing. A lot of really wonderful poets and artists were hopeless romantics. But really I may be a romantic, but I don't really think of myself as hopeless. I really do think that all of these experiences have just been preparing me for something. Something big. Something real. Something really big?

Who knows, but what I do know is that I love myself now like never before. And now I no longer feel like I need to be with someone. Rather I now feel like I have a life that is worth sharing with someone. I'm an interesting, intelligent, kind, fun, talented individual. Somewhere out there is a woman who would appreciate someone like me and how likewise is all of those things and more. Of course I'm not just the contents of a list. I'm a multi-dimensional creature who has hope and dreams, fears and pain. But that's great. That's part of what makes me, me and I love it all.

I've finally gotten to a place where I love my awkwardness, I love my double-chin and my skinny frame. I finally love my lazy eye and my mushy nose. These things all make me who I am and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

Anyways, I've been wanting to write an update for awhile and it's gone through many revisions in my head and this is nothing at all what I had planned to write. But it's what came out so we'll just stick with that yes?

If you want/need more proof of my current state of awesomeness here you go:



ATNN